1387 miles away and i think of you everyday

follow me through rows of sunflowers, gold on your cheeks until the sky streaks red with our laughter and the starlight finally lands in your eyes.

if i never pretended, what were you doing?

bob dylan

all i can do is be me, whoever that is.

let’s wear flowers in our hair and be every cliche in the book and love it all the while laying bare among the dew drops.

of greater wishes.

i wish i had the guts to fucking leave and not even care. i don’t care anymore, about anything and i hate that. nothing makes me happy, and the things i rely on to make it better are more numbing than anything.

i don’t know what to do. i want you in my arms. i want out, and as much as i love my mother all she does is hurt me when i’m down and ignore the fact that i cry numerous times during the day.

“you are such a bitch” “i don’t understand what i did wrong with you” “i hope you get your damn period soon” “i never acted like this when i was your age”

i hate it, i can’t find anything good in life anymore. when i get home from school i don’t even want to think about it much less do any work related to my school day. i want to go places on weekends and on the slim chance i actually get mom to drive me anywhere i find it doesn’t make me happy like i thought it was.

i want the life i had when i was little, when everything was carefree. i don’t know what i want, actually. i used to want college and all the things that come with that but now all i see is the debt college will bring and the work that i will have to keep up with while probably not having anyone to lean on.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me or why i always want to cry and why i feel the need to pretend for every fucking person that i’m great, i’m happy. i’m not. i haven’t been and i’m sick of pretending but i don’t even know what to do. school days are 7 hours of me trying to talk to people and no one really putting any effort into talking back. 7 hours of being made fun of either to my face or behind my back.

promises never come true and i’m fading away.

i always wonder how hard it would be to just leave and go live with someone else. they do it in the movies, why can’t i write my own script? i need to get out, i can’t stand two more years of this.

i’m sick of pretending and i’m sick of life. where is the fast foward button so i can see if it’s worth sticking it through?

sound of silence

today is the day of silence pledge at my school, and i am a part of it. we are silent to help stop the abuse (verbal and physical) that students who identify as gay, bisexual, or undecided go through everyday.

i hope, in some little way, it all helps.

goodnight, moon

and that’s really the only thing she had to say, after all.

call me a sparrow and i’ll fly

to do: scan polaroids, write, global work, find a new book, look for canvas’ in the basement.