May 6, 2008

of greater wishes.

i wish i had the guts to fucking leave and not even care. i don’t care anymore, about anything and i hate that. nothing makes me happy, and the things i rely on to make it better are more numbing than anything.

i don’t know what to do. i want you in my arms. i want out, and as much as i love my mother all she does is hurt me when i’m down and ignore the fact that i cry numerous times during the day.

“you are such a bitch” “i don’t understand what i did wrong with you” “i hope you get your damn period soon” “i never acted like this when i was your age”

i hate it, i can’t find anything good in life anymore. when i get home from school i don’t even want to think about it much less do any work related to my school day. i want to go places on weekends and on the slim chance i actually get mom to drive me anywhere i find it doesn’t make me happy like i thought it was.

i want the life i had when i was little, when everything was carefree. i don’t know what i want, actually. i used to want college and all the things that come with that but now all i see is the debt college will bring and the work that i will have to keep up with while probably not having anyone to lean on.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me or why i always want to cry and why i feel the need to pretend for every fucking person that i’m great, i’m happy. i’m not. i haven’t been and i’m sick of pretending but i don’t even know what to do. school days are 7 hours of me trying to talk to people and no one really putting any effort into talking back. 7 hours of being made fun of either to my face or behind my back.

promises never come true and i’m fading away.

i always wonder how hard it would be to just leave and go live with someone else. they do it in the movies, why can’t i write my own script? i need to get out, i can’t stand two more years of this.

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